2022 Catalina Swim

2022 Catalina Swim

(See blog post from last years attempt…)

I remember coming home from the hospital in 2021 scared out of my mind. I have been in some sketchy situation for sure, but face down, unconscious in the middle of the Pacific Ocean at 2:30am takes the cake.

Fear is a crazy thing, what we do with fear matters. Trying to make it go away never works and allowing space for it to speak is fucking hard. With many voices telling me not to, three weeks after my near death experience I had booked a 2022 slot on the Bottom Scratcher. I told no one.

I did not choose marathon swimming, I don’t have a list of swims or crowns or whatever I was trying to pull off. I just love to swim. I feel normal when I swim, it’s quiet when I swim. In 2019 I met Sabrina Houston and everything changed. The Catalina Channel came in to focus.

In 2020, after 5 months of training, my permit was cancelled due to covid.

I spent another year and a half shivering and training. And last year on Aug 2, 2021 I began a very scary angry swim. The ocean was angry, I was angry, my life had fallen apart two weeks prior. I was broken and a mess going into that swim.

After last years near death experience/swim, I made some major changes in my life. I had to face some truth, I had to find a way to listen to fear and give it space to speak. I had work to do. It was time to be honest and take responsibility. (If you want these gnarly details you can buy me lunch and I’ll spill my guts, but not here.)

I just kept swimming, I was changing, growing. I was waking up from a long restless 30 year sleep. And the water felt new and cleaner as did my soul. As I have done for the past two years I began training at the end of January.

The heaviness of 2021 was hard to shake. The thought of putting myself into the exact same position where one year earlier I had almost died was intense and sat quietly on my shoulders for over a year. I rarely spoke about it.

The thought of putting my team, who I love dearly, into that situation again at times seemed selfish and weighed heavy. I told my mom I was doing the swim, I did not tell my dad until after.

With a beautiful 8 hour La Jolla/Torrey Pines swim behind me it was time to tapper. I only swam twice durning tapper. People train in so many different ways. There is no right or wrong (well perhaps a few wrongs…) But I’ve learned to train for Joe, not others. I need rest. I need time to heal and take it all in. Volume is not my jam, and never serves me well. You do you.

And then it was the day. Celebration day. Time to unleash true Joe.

August 15th at 2pm the greatest team on the planet showed up. Dennis, Hillary, Sidney, Matt, Dan, Tricia. Sabrina, Jess, BJ, John and Owen on land crew duty.

After eating and resting at Matt’s mom’s house in RPV we headed to the Bottom Scratcher.

To our surprise Kevin, Owner and Captain, had provided for us; food, snacks, and treats! Free galley service! We had our team meeting, told a few inappropriate jokes, had our official Observer meeting and headed for Dr’s Cove.

Within 20 min all crew were in their bunks sound asleep except for me. I did a long silent meditation and put on some good ol’ Grateful Dead. I felt calm and relaxed. And then the engine stopped, and I knew it was time. Calm.

We  had arrived at Dr’s Cove and were meet with calm seas, no wind and flying fish! Water was 70 and the giant orange moon began to rise. It was time. We did all the things, applied all the crap (Vaseline/Lanolin in the nocks and crannies and 50 spf mineral sunscreen from Target. Desitin makes me feel trapped and I hate it) clipped on the lights, launched Matt in the kayak and it was on.

Before I jumped in we paused to remember two very important people, Mary Knott (amazing human and marathon swimmer who’s life was taken way to early) and my dear friend William who died in March. (I wore both of their initials on my very manly chest and thought of them often when things got hard). Things always get hard. Trying to avoid sorrow and pain is foolishness. Embrace it, just keep swimming.

I stood on the shore at Dr. Cove. Per tradition, picked up a small white rock and tucked it in my suit, raised my arms and walked into the pacific ocean. It was a few minutes before 11pm.

If I had to describe the swim in one word it would be, Calm. Everything fell into place. The first hour I warmed up slowly and found my stroke, Matt was kayaking and that makes me happy, he is so gentle and confident and is going to be an amazing dad!

Hour two Dennis got in to swim with me and it was simply amazing, very redeeming for us both after last year. And thus begins the long night, I lost track of time very quickly and at one point asked Dan if it was about 1:00am, his reply was, “its 3:00am” 3am means I’ve been swimming for a while in the dark and I still have a while to go in the dark. I was calm and never felt stress of anxiety. I am the ocean.

At hour 6 Dennis jumped back in the water, and that one hour stretch was perhaps the best single hour of swimming in my whole life. 3000 feet of water, dark, ocean smooth and oily. The moon was big and bright. We picked up the pace and were just flying. At one point we looked at each other and we're just in awe of where we were, in awe of what we were doing, in awe of our friendship that started in the 7th grade.

Night swimming does not stress me out, never during the night did I feel freaked out like I was loosing it. And the sun began to rise and it was amazing, it was like nothing I had ever experienced. Beyond beautiful. Thankfully I breathe to the left so the sun was not blinding.

My nutrition was on point! I fed every 30 min. I drank blah blah blah. I drank what works for me and it did. I use the water bottles I like and my feeds take longer than everyone wants and I don’t care.

For me, taking an extra 45sec to finish peeing and interact with my team is food for my soul. I need to hear voices, tell a joke and simply take it all in. Matt and Dan know me and gave me the freedom to take time for me, for us to take in the beauty of the moon, a tanker and the most amazing sunrise ever.

Sidney was my coach for this event and I am so thankful she was. Experienced athletes can quickly tell if a coach knows their shit, Sidney clearly does. She knew exactly what to say, what I needed to hear and our time in the water was beautiful. I am very thankful for Sidney as my coach and my friend.

My sense of smell was crazy heightened. I could smell coffee being made and bacon being cooked.

Hillary was my other support swimmer and made me smile the whole time we swam together. Hillary is crazy fast. Crazy fast. So in order to stay next to my marathon pace she would swim like my grandma would at the senior center, and yet she was still crazy fast. We saw some alien jellyfish and a pod of dolphins. Swimming with Hillary was beautiful. After last year we met to talk and I asked her how to move forward as an athlete in light of my near death experience/failure and disappointment. Hillary listens well.  Her guidance and wisdom made all the difference. Two reasons to quit she told me: 1. broken left shoulder 2. Broken right shoulder. Boom.

With the beach in sight and the water temp dropped to a refreshing 62 for the final 3 hrs,  it was time to head in for the final stretch. My sinus were plugged,  jellyfish stings were calming down and Dan was kayaking! He looked at me and said, “let the beach draw you in”. And it did. With my team in the water behind me Dan guided us in. Dan is the most humble, gentle soul and his presence brings a calm I can’t explain.

I’ll never forget the moment when I saw the sandy bottom and began to stand up. I began to sob and then I heard her voice. There is something about the voice of your longtime swim partner screaming, cheering and celebrating you! It just wrecks me in the best way! Sabrina is truly my little sister, forever coach and favorite people ever for all time!

We all hugged, Jess and BJ were there along with my very dear friend John and my youngest son Owen. Celebration day!

Back to the boat to get warm, and as always RN Trisha took excellent care to make sure I was ok. Forever I will stand in awe of this woman. As a mom, a wife and RN. I am honored to call her my friend. Trisha was not aware that the rock in my suit was the one I had picked up at Dr. Cove. So naturally she tossed it. We laughed together when we figured it out the next day. It’s just a rock.

The galley had breakfast burritos, cooked by Captain Kevin, ready and waiting and we were on our way back to the dock, clean up, pay the bill and head for home.

The culmination of three years of work was behind me. It will take me some time to fully get my head around the whole thing. This was a deeply spiritual journey for me, a journey of discovery and celebration of true Joe. I love who I am. I love who I am becoming. This truly was a celebration day!

P.S. A huge thank you to the CCSF for their support and for believing in me through this long journey. My observers, Tom and Don were just wonderful.

P.S.S. Two days after my swam I saw my dear friend John who was a part of my land crew. We were both pretty emotional and after we hugged he said, “ I wanted you to have something.” John reached into his pocket and pulled out a small white rock he had picked up on the beach at Smugglers Cove. Speechless, I simply cried tears of gratitude and love. (He had no idea about the tradition or that the rock I had carried went overboard) This was my rock, not the one I carried from Catalina, the one handed to me by my friend. I have the right rock, and I will cherish it always.